I feel like my page has become one of merely rants and anger implosions that have somehow made it to type…oh well. What the hell do I care? That’s what this space is for anyway, right?
These days I wonder how intact my sanity really is. I sit at my desk through the day and later find that I have broken pens and pencils surrounding me… did I do that?
I feel caged. Like something inside me is dying to crawl out and consume the very nature that I believe to be me; I just don’t let it.
Maybe it’s work. Maybe it’s the work environment. I can say that I’m stressed because of the workload, but who the hell isn’t; stress comes with any job no matter what the situation may be. I can deduce it down to one thing, and that one thing is the work environment. Why do I feel so angry? What the hell is bottled up inside me that makes my blood boil the moment I sit down only to calm itself the moment I step out of the office? I guess I can’t attribute it to merely one single entity because at this point I believe it’s a collective effort on behalf of most aspects of my life caving in all at once.
Relationship? Failed. Work? Not where I want to be. Friends? At least that one part is consistent.
There’s one thing that I’ve begun to notice about life: nothing is separate from anything. They say to keep your personal life apart from your work life. They say that your relationship is nobody else’s but your own. Somehow, one way or another, everything ends up intertwining at a certain point because that’s…life. If we believe that we can live two different lives and keep them separate forever, it’s a complete lie; you’re fooling yourself. Life has its crossroads where you split yourself to handle whatever different situation or place you may be, but in the end those cross roads meet up and you’ll have to deal with the fact that you’ve kept yourself in denial for so long.
Maybe this opinion just applies to me. Who knows? I can’t tell you what you may feel or my know because I am not you. An opinion is an opinion because it is mine and not one to be shared by you if you do not believe the same thing.
Let me tell you why my mind has become the dark grey colored, bleak splotch on the wall.
Work drives me nuts. As I mentioned to you before, it is not the workload; it’s the people. Being part of a Korean company makes me want to wretch and puke my guts out sometimes, but I stick it out since it’s valuable experience for someone like myself. I had high hopes; the splotch on the wall was one hell of a shiny piece of artwork before I started. I’m now being told that corporate is pretty much the same wherever you go.
I’ve realized that talent, skill, usefulness, and all that other junk goes down the drain because of hierarchy; at the very least it does here. I have to respond to the beck and call of my “superiors” because they out-rank me. No matter how dumb they may be or how incompetent they may be, I’m forced to follow their lead because they believe they have the experience and that their opinion is of greater importance. Yes, I’ve been with this company for a year now, but if you come in as a completely new person and tell me that I’m wrong just because you have more experience in a completely different field…well, you can go fck yourself.
I’m not closed-minded or anything like that but if your stupidity, especially after I’ve advised you otherwise, leads to you getting in trouble and in turn gets me in trouble, we’ve got a problem. We humans were made to learn and adapt, right? Wrong. Some of us have been made to be stubborn asses that can’t adapt or conform to new environments. If you’re told that you were in the wrong and there’s physical proof proving it, well then I think it’s time to change. To turn and blame me for the mishaps in the office is outright unprofessional and stupid. Then to have the gall to ask me if you can borrow my umbrella with reasons that it’s raining and as a lady she needs the umbrella more than I do… lady, I’d punch you in the face if there were no legal repercussions to follow. You can wear a garbage bag over your head and make the trip to your car that’s not even a minute away; who the fck do you think you are? If you were at least a nice person who took some time to listen and heed other peoples opinions from time to time, maybe I would’ve lent you my umbrella and walked over to my car in the rain; did they not teach you the golden rule in elementary school?
Now do I leave the anger and frustration I felt in the office and go home? I’d like to say that I do but is it possible to box that up and leave it in my desk drawer? The thought alone makes me want to laugh. It follows it me home, and it ruins just about everything I wanted to do. Everything ends up being fueled by frustration along with anger, making things that were fun no longer a source of much joy.
So I think I am losing parts of me that kept me sane. Everything from work just carries over one at a time and my life feels like it’s being swallowed up whole. I drink to suppress it, and hit helps from time to time. When will this madness end? Probably never but I’m glad I have outlets like my blog here to lay it all out and just be me from time to time.